Sunday, October 5, 2008
this post is going to make
no sense to any of you so you can skip this entry, really. but if you're gonna read on dont blame me for being so confusing, you've been warned.
I was once person A. so when the same thing is happening now,I know exactly how it feels. So what now? think and think and think and get depressed over and over again? what.is.the.point, really? pondering over it so much - does it get anything anywhere? So much of unsettled emotions which draws me so close to screaming my lungs out and just pulling my hair off. there's a sky of things I wanna let out from myself but who - to who would I really wanna tell it to? there are friends Im really close to and I know I can count on them when I need someone to talk to but how am I going to bring about this topic? if I had an idea,I wouldnt be the way I am today. What happened to 'letting go?' what happened to 'im not going to give a damn?' it was all a bucket full of lies. I never was able to put down that baggage of unhappiness because it's eating me up down left right inside out. this unutterable emotions clogged up in me makes me feel like crying every single time. But to what extent? For how long more? Why do I have to be stuck in a situation like this - it was a situation I never thought was so impactful. I always thought people who felt like that were so lame, were attention seekers. Now I know how it feels. the feeling is horrible. every time I think about it, it leaves a screaming emptiness within me.
Its aarti gupta we're talking about here. Someone who never used to get affected by teeny weeny things like that. Wait, I take that back. this whole situation is not teeny weeny. I rephrase that : Someone who never used to get affected by things like that. So why all of a sudden? It scares me really to know how much I go through but am still not able to express myself in words because its not as easy as reciting ABC. I am someone who can express myself very very very well but I DONT KNOW WHY FOR THIS STUPID SHITHOLE IM STUCK IN, IM....STUCK. I cant seem to find words to replace the way I feel. I guess I can only talk to the person who is in this with me (I doubt the person even knows). My close friends only know bits and pieces of the whole story and when we randomly joke about it - its a joke and laugh off matter but the thing is I never really told them it was such a facade I was putting up all these while. I never laughed sincerely when this matter was brought up because I know only I know how it feels.
I hope its not retribution. I know im not supposed to be so bitter towards a particular someone but I really can't help it anymore. Seeing everything just going on like that - damn it Im making second guesses all the time and its getting very annoying. Im getting sick and tired of it. Its either I stop thinking so much about it or I put a fullstop to it.
Dear God......
♥