Wednesday, May 27, 2009
In the car on the way to school this morning, had a general talk with my mum and it was on the most sensitive topic. My grandfather. What we spoke about got me so emotional that I cried in silence and secretly, since I was sitting at the back. I still find it difficult to talk about such a topic up to date. I guess Im acceptable to the fact that he's no longer with us, but im not over that fact.
I really loved my grandfather alot. Every morning I remember walking up to him and saying one or two lines before heading off for anything, I remember kissing him goodnight everyday. I remember sponging him when he used to have high fever. I remember cleaning him when he dirties himself. I remember how he used to laugh with a smile so wide when we used to joke at home. I remember when he used to fetch me from Kindergarten and would always always always bring a sweet along. I remember how he'll always offer me food before he eats it. I remember how he used to tell me to be a good girl because life is not always as easy as we take it. I remember how he used to cheer me up when I come back from school so stressed. I remember how we used to sit and watch tv together.
The first shock came when he had dementia. I thought that was the end. I thought we'd all be gradually forgotten. It was hard to accept, but I took it in my stride and still thanked the fact that he was still with us. Thankfully, it was mild and on and off he still remembers who is who and what to do. I clearly remember when I was standing beside him in NUH ICU unit, and the only two people he responded to was my dad and me. Tears welled up that very moment. I knew my grandfather understood I was there as I always had been.
I saw him grow from such a strong man to someone so old and feeble with his health deteoriating one aspect at a time. Though it hurt so terribly to see him go through so much over the so weak and thin body he had, I couldn't do anything. Ambulance after ambulance in my house everytime he goes all weak and sick. From NUH, it was back home and in not more than a month, he was admitted to CDC. I knew clearly those were the last few days. A few instances we were warned to "be prepared". A few instances we rushed all the way down, but we were still 'lucky'. And then on the 24th March, he passed away in the afternoon. When I got the call from my mother and I heard her crying, I knew that instant, that was it. I had no means of expressing that sadness I've bottled up for so long other than crying my lungs out. That day was the last day I had my closest grandparent with me. He shared everything with me and meant the world to me. Him before anyone else.
But now, though he's gone, he's with me always in that fragile heart of mine. I try to keep myself so occupied so that I dont have time to think. But the moment Im left alone at home, I go all weak and emotional again. Home is just different without him.
My dearest grandfather, today was the one day every since you passed away that I got to talk to my mother about you. Wherever you may be now, do know that I still thank you for giving me all you have and for all you did. For all that happened, you were who God blessed me with. I love you with all my heart. I really yearn for you to be by my side, but its a wish which can never be granted. I've lost you forever but I still love you forever. :)
♥